by Pastor Dan Baumgartner

Here are a few final things that Jesus told his disciples as he prepared them for his absence: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you…You are my friends if you do what I command you…I do not call you servants any longer…but I have called you friends.”

I don’t think Jesus was suggesting they reduce his stature to a buddy, yet at the same time, I do think he was making a strong, focused statement about the importance and love of friends. A talk by David J. Wood at Princeton Theological Seminary made me think more about this. Wood claimed that many of us are not resistant to friendship, but have neglected the practice of it.

Twenty years ago I was in the middle of a business career, and life was extremely full with work - including some business
travel-, our young family, church and many other good things. I was out of breath, running from one thing to the next when my wise friend and wife Anne sat me down and we had a conversation something like this:

Anne: “I’m concerned that you aren’t making any time for your guy friends.”

Dan (instantly defensive): “What are you talking about? I have lots of friends.”

Anne: “Really? When do you see them?”

Dan: “Well, I’m playing in a basketball league once a week.”

Anne:“Okay, and when do you get to the games?”

Dan (hesitating): “About five minutes before they start.”

Anne: “And how long do you stay after to talk?”

Dan (sheepish): “ About five minutes.”

Hmmm. With Anne’s challenge, I picked three friendships and vowed to be more intentional with them as an investment, of sorts. As we moved around the country, sometimes the best I could do was an occasional phone call or visit. Life was still busy. But even a little effort went a long way. If you asked me today who my three closest friends are, it would probably be the same three guys.

In 2000, Robert Putnam’s sociological study “Bowling Alone” concluded that “the last several decades have witnessed a striking diminution of regular contacts with our friends and neighbors. We spend less time in conversation over meals, we exchange visits less often...”

Though Putnam’s book is nearly ten years old now, his statement still rings true to me. And statistical studies over two decades verify that things are changing. The number of discussion partners in an average person’s life has fallen by 50%, while nearly half the American population feels isolated. Any number of factors threaten the gift of friendship:

• busyness. Let’s be honest. We’re too busy. We just are. Most of us are running at breakneck speed. The pursuit of incarnational friendships falls somewhere
  below about ten other good things.
• technology . Don’t peg me as old-fashioned - I have an iPod and a cellphone with keyboard for easy texting! I fully acknowledge that technology offers some amazing ways to connect friends. For example, a small group of mine met in my Bethany office and connected- thanks to web cams - for a Bible study/prayer time with Karl Grove - who happened to be in Katmandu, Nepal at the time!

But technology also is pushing us towards relationships of quantity (it’s a status statement to have the largest number of Facebook “friends”) or frequency (how many text messages am I sending and receiving?). The reality is that many of these communications are informational or shallow, and often a weak substitute for time spent in one another’s presence.

• diminishment of the role of friends.

We live in an era of specialization. If life is confusing, we direct people towards life coaches, spiritual directors, pastors, therapists, mentors and consultants. All of these resources can be immensely helpful. But so can friendships. A hard question, a direct communication, good listening, healthy confrontation, the affirmation of love, an invitation to pray are all wonderful expressions of what I think Jesus both taught and modeled - life on life, enduring friendships.

The weakening of real friendships is a cause for great concern, as the ranks of lonely people swell on a daily basis. Yet it also offers the church - those of us who call ourselves “friends of Jesus”- real opportunities. After all, Wood concluded, “What is Christian community if it is not the place where we come to know we are not alone through the love of Christ in the gift of friendship? One day we will know and be fully known. Until then, we have friends.”