Let me begin by just saying a bit about myself.

I love life! I have always wanted to live it to the fullest, to have the most intense experiences, to have significant relationships and a meaningful existence. I have climbed 14,000-foot mountains, sailed some the most beautiful fjords of the world, hiked the Pacific Crest Trail and, in my late 40s, I participated in a series of triathlons. But none of these experiences would have been the same if I had not shared them with very dear and significant friends.

I love the adventure of living and sharing that adventure with others. In my relationship with God I think sometimes I have been like a child, more preoccupied with the gift than the Giver. I’ve been greedy about life! Recently, I was reminded of this again...in a small group. We were asked what we would title our spiritual autobiography. Mine was this:

"This world is not my home, but ... I'm adding on a deck and swimming pool.”

In fact, what drew me into the Christian faith (after being totally dumbstruck and overwhelmed with God’s amazing love reflected in Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross) was the realization that who would know more about the fullness of life than the very Creator of it. And then somewhere along this life journey, I realized that I needed to better learn how to navigate my life as a Christian who happens to be single.

I think it was in my mid-30s that I began to seriously think about singleness. When I looked to the culture, the swinging single scene did not attract me. When I looked to the church, I found few positive role models and little perspective, theology or support. So, I appreciate the fact that Dan wanted to include a sermon on this subject.

This morning I would like to first look at singleness and the church; then present some myths about those of us who not are married, some misconceptions that can make us feel less than whole or block our full experience of life as God has ordained it. And, lastly, I’d like to share a bit of my own experience as a single, hopefully offering something that will enable those of us who are not married to experience to a greater depth the abundant life Jesus has promised.

First of all, I confess that trying to find the right terminology for those of us who are not married has been challenging. The word single itself is problematic. It suggests that those of us who are unmarried don’t exist in a web of relationships. Very few people are really single or solitary; we may not be married, but we have friends, colleagues and family.

Even though statistics predict that one in every two marriages will end in divorce, we still live in a marriage-dominated society. Thus, socially, singles constantly deal with the Noah’s Ark syndrome, where everyone goes by two.

The sad irony for Christian singles is that loneliness is often most acutely felt in the church, dominated as it often can be by marriage. Bethany does stand in marked contrast to many churches though. As a single, I have found Bethany a refreshing church; as for the most part, everyone is friendly and engaging. But I believe God wants us to go beyond friendliness and become more of an extended family, a group of people who are not necessarily related by blood or marriage, but who possess a deep sense of being the Body of Christ.

The church, and particularly the evangelical churches, have so exalted marriage and the biological family, which are not bad in themselves; but this emphasis can tend to subtly and not so subtly diminish a single person’s sense of full participation in the fellowship.

We often seem to overlook the fact that Jesus called His followers out of biological families to follow Him. In fact, he makes some disturbing statements such as,

“For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in law” (Matthew 10:35).

In Matthew 12:46-49, when Jesus is told that his mother and brothers are standing outside and want to speak to him, he replies,

“Who is my mother and who are my brothers?”

Then pointing to the disciples he said,

“Here is my mother and brothers. Who ever does the will of my Father is my brother and sister and mother.”

And in one of the most moving passages which challenges our thinking about biological families, Jesus, from the cross, asks the beloved disciple John to take care of Jesus’ mother saying,

“Dear woman, here is your son, and to the disciple, Here is your mother. From that time on, this disciple took her into his home” (John 19:26-27).

Perhaps we all might need to re-image our family life, that is, to bring into our households, in some shape or form, others who are not children and blood relationships. I continue to wonder how we as a body, as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 2:15, might “spread in every place the fragrance that comes from knowing Christ.”

Now, let me say that I am not an avowed single; I’m still open to marriage. I’m still accepting applications. To be honest, in preparing this sermon I found myself wanting to call Dan and change the title of this sermon to

“O, Brother Where Art Thou?”

I surely did not start out to be the “Cal Ripken of celibacy.” I think for most singles their singleness—whether it be from not ever having married, from divorce or losing a spouse through death—came by surprise and not by design.

As I have thought about and struggled with this topic of singleness over the years I have come to three conclusions:

1. Not all people were meant to marry.
2. Personal fulfillment is not dependent upon being married or unmarried, but in experiencing God’s dynamic plan in the here and now.
3. The unmarried person has the same basic needs and desires for love, intimacy, and to share life with another and the same call of God, but how those needs, desires and commission will be lived out might differ from the married person.

There is much in this world that is not of God’s original design, but instead is the result of our originally choosing to go our own way. There are higher callings than that of marriage or even parenthood. In Luke 11:27-28, one woman so taken with Jesus’ teachings yelled out,

“Blessed is womb that bore you and the breast that nursed you.”

But Jesus said,

“No, blessed are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”

What we do know from Genesis 2 is that God said it was not good for any of us to be alone, that life is to be relational, to be shared with others.

Now, in the hope that we can better understand singleness, let’s look at some myths that have grown up around this subject.

1. The first myth is that all singles want to be married. There are some people who feel fine not being married, either because they have already experienced marriage or find a lifestyle and/or faith involvement where independence is a better fit for them. But we all want to be loved consistently, have a sense of belonging and share life with someone important to us.
2. Another myth is that all unmarried people are terribly lonely. Without minimizing the intense distress that loneliness can create for some people, my experience with singles has shown that a number are simply not as forlorn as some may think. The issue is our deep desire to share life intimately with another. Loneliness is not limited to singles; one can be lonely in marriage, a loneliness which could be much worse than that experienced as a single.
3. Then there is the myth that singleness is hazardous to your health. Reading some reports you might think that the life expectancy of a single person resembles that of a chain smoker. While it is true that being married can promote better health, it is not a given. The most recent studies demonstrate that it is the quality of the marriage that is crucial, not the status itself.
4. Another myth that I think singles can buy into is that there is a "one and only" out there somewhere, just waiting, if fate would just bring us together. There are two flaws in this assumption. One, this way of thinking allows us to be lazy, relationship-wise; since if there is only one, we don’t do much about developing new relationships. And the other flaw is that we need to be open to letting a “less interesting relationship” grow and develop into something more than what’s seen at first glance.
5. Then there is the myth that God’s best is marriage. What one may hear in some churches is that singleness is the result of the fall, so we can only have an inferior life if we are not married. God is continually redeeming us, but could singleness be God’s best for some of us? It was an amazing insight that finally came to me that maybe God knows me better than I know myself. Paul seems to suggest this in 1 Corinthians 7: 7:
   
   “I wish all were as I myself am. But each has a particular gift from God, one having one kind and another a different kind.”
   
   But, again, we tend to overlook those verses. They just don’t fit our cultural gearbox.
6. And lastly, we can unconsciously buy into the mindset that getting married is the result of being faithful to God, an aspect of our get rich-with-God gospel. Marriage is about a life-long relationship that is right for two people, not a reward for faithfulness to our loving God.

In Romans 12:2 Paul exhorts us (J.B.Phillips’ paraphrase),

“Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its mold. But let God remold your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all His demands and moves toward the goal of true maturity.”

As I look back upon my life, I believe there are three primary reasons that I have felt life has been good for me as a single person.

1. A growing relationship with God, one in which I experience God’s love for me, sometimes directly and sometimes through others, and my growing love for God.
2. The ability to build relationships and experience real intimacy. Intimacy is not just in marriage; it is a “human event.” God has given me significant and loving relationships all along the way. What I have had to learn is to hold them lightly and to trust in God’s on-going care in this area. The hard part in having significant and close relationships out of marriage is that you will inevitably have to work through transitions from geographical moves, or emotional shifts or life issues. But then, I guess, we are no different from married folks, in that we are all invited to trust God with our most valuable possessions.
3. A sense of adventure about life and a deep desire to partner with God in places of God’s on-going redemption. The breath and depth of being able to give myself to so many individuals for the sake of the gospel has been a privilege and God’s call on my life.

The late Lewis Smedes, whose books have been so helpful to married and singles alike, said when asked how he would define a good marriage,

“A good marriage is one that you work at.”

And I believe this is the same with singleness, it will be only as good as we work at it.

Several months ago Dan preached on marriage and concluded his remarks with this statement,

“Somehow...God’s picture of marriage is hopelessly intertwined with the picture of our relationship with God. Living as a single as God ordained it is likewise intertwined with the picture of our relationship with God. Doesn’t it all boil down to...Can I really trust in God's goodness and love for me as I face an unknown future?”

As a single, I can lean on my close friends, but I cannot have the illusion of depending on that person in quite the same way as I would a spouse. Singleness is all about believing something I cannot see…that is real faith as we learned in Hebrews 12, believing and trusting something I cannot see. And this I believe truly delights God.

In Perelandra, my favorite work of C.S. Lewis, we revisit the Garden of Eden. Perelandra is a planet composed largely of floating mats where one learns to take the next wave of God’s providence. But there is a fixed island that one can visit but is not allowed to dwell there or stay overnight. At first it seems this is an arbitrary commandment but in the end, the Green Lady (Eve), not giving in to the temptation, concludes...

“The reason for not yet living on the Fixed Land is now so plain. How could I wish to live there except because it was fixed? And why should I desire the Fixed except to make sure to be able on one day to command where I should be the next and what should happen to me? It was to reject the wave to draw my hands out of Maleldil’s (God’s), to say to Him, ‘Not thus, but thus,’ to put in our own power what times should roll toward us , . . as if you gathered fruits together today for tomorrow’s eating, instead of taking what came. That would have been cold love and feeble trust. And out of it how could we ever have climbed back into [His] love and trust again.” (p. 208)

This sort of trust involves a willingness to receive what is given, even if it was not originally desired, as well as a willingness to let go again of the good things God gives us without grasping after them. The invitation for singles and married alike is to ride these floating mats and throw ourselves into the next wave of God’s love and provisions....

What would this look like for you? Where is God inviting you to trust today? How can we, as a faith community, move toward a great reflection of the Body of Christ?

Let’s pray.